“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.