I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
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“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
You had me at “define legal”.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say