The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.