Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Not messing around
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
God has left this place
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards