Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
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Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
79.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?