Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
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One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Leaving the Barbers like
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
If you know, you know
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.