me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
You Might Also Like
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?