I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time