I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
You Might Also Like
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
it’s the silliest best thing
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Yup
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.