My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Those are good neighbors.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*