Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
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How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more