To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
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How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
This is a whole mood;
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now