a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
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I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.