sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
You Might Also Like
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside