him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.