-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
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Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.