we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
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You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Me, flirting😏
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”