Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Hamburger Hinderer.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Happy Star Wars day!