[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
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I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”