MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
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I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’