Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
You Might Also Like
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
when u come home smelling like another dog
$4 #usedbooks
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.