5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT