“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters