Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
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I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu