After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
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Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”