Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
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It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.