My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
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if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Storm Tropical Storm
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”