I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
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For anyone who needs this today
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
Is….Is this an option?
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
I’m sure it’s fine.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
buying dead houseplants to save time
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her