i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
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I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.