Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
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Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.