I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?