“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.