If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
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This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Grandmother clock.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.