It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
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*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
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Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.