BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
You Might Also Like
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
🙂🐾
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.