knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me trying to look natural in photos
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I found your tweet-up…
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast