I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds