If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty