Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
You Might Also Like
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
This pepper has seen some shit
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?