Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.