That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
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Here’s a meme
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.