this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
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*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
the three branches of government
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.