She puts the hot in psychotic
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[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band