I’m not wrong
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My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Make new friends? bro out of what?
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun