My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
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ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
then why did i get this email
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined