[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Oceanography is all about current events
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.