Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
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“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…