her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
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PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
#Caturday
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
when dads have a rap battle
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese