I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
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Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Put the is in disheveled
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop