FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Fights fire with marshmallows
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*